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1. "Always remember you're unique--just like everyone else."
2. "Bad Cop! No donut!"
3. "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
4. "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
5. "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."
6. "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
7. "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
8. "He who laughs last thinks slowest."
9. "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
10. "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."
11. "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."
12. "I souport publik edekasion"
13. "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
14. "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car"
15. "I'm a corporate executive--I keep things from happening."
16. "If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question."
17. "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
18. "It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
19. "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
20. "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
21. "Lobotomies for Democrats: It's the law."
22. "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
23. "Montana --- At least *our* cows are sane!"
24. "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
25. "Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let him sleep."
26. "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
27. "There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
28. "This acid must be good. It feels like I'm driving!"
29. "Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students"
30. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
31. "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
32. "Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!"
33. Keep Honking/I'm Reloading

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I like 4, I think I'm 8 a lot of the time, 14 is hilarious, 18's pretty good, 25 & 27 great, 31 is oh so accurate, and my personal favorite #32 only because you don't need to brag just because your kid gets straight a's.

No, I think my favorites are 18 and 27, they're just too darn funny.